For the past 3-4 days I’ve been very depressed and it’s made me realize that I’ve never been depressed before. I don’t like it at all, and I’m ready for it to go away, already.
Sure I’ve been consistently melancholic my entire life, but in a light and wistful sort of way. In an incredibly easy to manage, sort of way. In a beautiful and poetic way. Depression is nothing like sadness—or rage, or fear, or uncertainty. It doesn’t pass through you, as emotions do, it sits on top of you. And it’s quite heavy.
Depression is more like a state of being, rather than a feeling, and it’s very physical. I now understand why exercise is often recommended as a combatant. Depression steals your energy, and it robs you of life. I find myself unable to do basic tasks like eating or sitting outside staring at a tree. All I’ve been able to will myself to do is lay in bed and sleep because being awake is just too much work. Today I ate two pieces of bread and peanut butter because expending more effort than that just felt impossible.
I am used to feeling hopeless sometimes. I am used to feeling uninspired. I am used to wanting to give up. I am used to feeling like what I want may not be possible. But deep down I have never believed any of this. I’ve felt these feelings intensely then they easily went away. I have never believed that all hope is lost, until now. I have never believed that my passion or curiosity has burned out. And I have never believed I was incapable of getting what I want. But for the past few days I have believed in these things, and that is what scares me. That is what makes depression so undesirable and uncomfortable.
It’s one thing to feel these things, but to believe them – that’s dangerous.
Everything has felt so meaningless and useless. I haven’t been able to see the beauty in anything around me or to muster up any gratitude, not even for the simplest things, like good health. I haven’t been able to open a book, draw, or watch anything to pull me out of this state. None of this is like me at all, and that in and of itself has been depressing. It’s like I’m losing my grip on someone.
Despite how unfun this all is, I’m not exactly trying to “fight” it either. You’d think I would’ve gotten depressed much sooner than this, and many more times than this, by now. I actually think I’ve earned the right to collapse a little. Most people in my various predicaments would have jumped out of a window or in front of a bus by now, for sure, so I’m telling myself it’s perfectly normal to not be okay and that I should be kinder about it, and stop scolding myself for not always being invincible.
Anyway, today I picked a tarot card as a prediction for the day’s events. I chose the sun, a card about happiness, and I scoffed at it so hard.
Later in the day, I decided to force myself to at least go the park, if for nothing more than to just sit in the car and listen to the oldies radio station. When I opened the door to go out, I saw a package on the ground with my name on it—the ray of sunshine forecast earlier—a box filled with the most thoughtful items anyone has ever given me. It came completely by surprise and it was just enough to give me the strength to look on the bright side of things again.
One of my favorite things in the package was a set of oracle cards. Not only are they beautiful but they’re also a gentle reminder to finish my own deck of cards, which I’d somewhat given up on.
Anyway, I asked the infinitely wise part of myself what is it that I need to know right now and I chose these three cards:
Through the three fellowships of consciousness – collective consciousness, subconscious and consciousness – the true self emerges and the circle of life closes. Alpha connects with Omega; life intermingles with death; the divine serpent of a completed life swallows its own tail.
Keywords: Becoming | Transparency | United | Whole | Fulfilled
Always creating, water is the bouyant substance of being. It is our birthplace. Surging from an ancient, unknown source, these prodigious waters carry the vibrancy of life from its deepest sleep to its epic becoming.
Keywords: Creating | Mobile | Visionary | Mediumistic | Life
A thirst for all that has historically been – this is the desire of the gnostic. It is the path of initiation into the dynamic structures of all being for the knowledge of what it was, what it is and what it could become. It is the exploration of the enigmatic and the mundane material of the world to help decipher the mystery of ourselves.
Keywords: Education | Furtherance | Exploration | Soulful | Curiosity
What these cards are telling me is that what I’ve been feeling is what happens when the end of a long cycle of experience comes to a close, and that everything that is coming to the surface right now is in order for me to process everything and finally let it all go, forever. Feeling dead inside, and feeling as though my life has reached a dead end, is just a natural course of events that will eventually give way to a completely new beginning. I’ve just got to surrender to it.
I’ve known this, but I certainly needed the reminder, as sometimes it feels this process will never end. I was born to die, and on a deeper level I’ve always been cognizant of this. I just didn’t think it would take so damn long to kill me.