It is a rainy, grey day. The same is forecast for the next five days.
My mood is about the same, but I prefer it not to stay that way, so I try to think of something to do. I put on my favorite brown pants and a light blue button-up shirt, then I put on my new denim apron—a simple something I have coveted for awhile now.
I remembered the Morning Glory seeds I had, so I sat out on the balcony and planted a few of those.
While doing so, my eyes fell upon this rock I’d taken from the park a few weeks ago for the purpose of making a paint pigment with.
Recently, an old lover tracked me down and said he wanted to send me a gift. I’m not exactly sure why, but he sent me a very nice oil and watercolor paint making kit. So today I used the pigment muller from that kit to grind my rock down.
I very much so enjoyed the process. It was meditative, I guess.
While I worked away, a neighbor I’d never met—who was on his way to check his mail—stopped to chat. From the sidewalk he yelled up to my balcony to compliment my flowers: two pots of pink begonias, a psychedelic-looking coleus and a calla lily.
I said thank you, of course, and he went on to tell me that the flowers reminded him of his mother and grandmother because they were very good gardeners. He also told me he was pretty good gardener himself, and in so many words implied that what he was good at growing was marijuana. But he said that he stopped smoking after his stroke and asked God to take the desire away.
Then he said goodbye and hobbled on with his cane to the mailboxes.
After my rock was pulverized I decided to stop there in the paint-making process because I’m not ready to paint anything yet. But very soon. I’ve just started on a children’s book trilogy and I need to have a picture book dummy completed by June 30.
Since I still had my apron on I decided I may as well eat something. I’ve been eating avocado toast with eggs sunny-side up every day for a week so why not continue on? So I did.
I thought that maybe I’d try to grow an avocado plant again from seed. I’d done so a few years ago but I had to make an abrupt move and leave it behind. I also had to give my bonsai tree away—I wonder how it’s doing. Anyway, you can also make ink with avocado pits and skins so that may be my next experiment.
Now I’m sitting here drinking ginger tea. I’m piddling around with this manuscript, which is more difficult than I anticipated—distilling “sophisticated” themes down to a few words that are both entertaining and accessible to 2-8 year-olds.
But I like challenges. And more importantly, they like me back.
My mood has improved. I’m trying to do better about acknowledging and understanding how I feel in the moment that I’m feeling it.
I’ve come to the conclusion that what I have been feeling today is due to impatience towards the slow manifestation of results. I’ve worked hard for a long time and I’m tired of waiting for the harvest, so to speak. Some days I feel like things will never turn out in my favor, despite how much I deserve it. But I know that is impossible, especially considering that I’ve put in both the inner and outer work. If life is that unfair, then oh well.
Most days I mosey along fine, but some days I feel like I can’t make it any longer. Unfortunately, I was engineered to never ever stop.
In trying to come up with a title for this post, I googled: “idioms with the word grind.” Is it a coincidence or not, what I arrived at?